It’s a fact that ever since I came to school in Gainesville I’ve hated the first kiss. Now I don’t know why I do, because I never had a problem with it in the past. I’m fairly forward about everything else so why I can’t bring myself to kiss someone for the first time remains a mystery to me. The only thing I don’t like is the uncertainty of what comes next, provided there is something next. Once I get past my own insecurities and inhibitions I’m fine. Usually, though, since the thought of kissing someone new lingers in my mind, by the time I’m ready I’ve already built it up to be this big deal. It never is — I realize this — but it’s there and is still a hangup.
It’s hard to count (not because there have been too many) how many girls I’ve dated in college because most of them were just a friendly thing and then there was a kiss involved. I’ve been officially single for much of the college career, but that doesn’t count the fling type relationships I’ve had. They usually don’t last very long because for whatever reason I strive to be emotionally void and as distant as I possibly can be. It all comes down to me not letting myself go or not allowing myself to try something new.
If I were to estimate I’d say there were three noteworthy people in the past four years with whom I’ve wanted to be with at one time or another. With each there was a first kiss, and even a second… each one being meaningful. No matter what, though, there will always be that I enjoyed most or is the most memorable. I’m not sure if I’ve explained the whole situation to anyone before, and certainly not to the other person in question. Not because I’m ashamed but because it’s something that is really mine and isn’t meant for anybody else. I can’t explain details, really but I can shed some light onto my already vague-sounding post; the moment it happened is completely clear like it happened three hours ago. Sometime in the afternoon she and I were talking and we started kissing and it felt brand new. So much so that it everything was slow, it seemed, and I couldn’t think about anything other than her lips touching mine. The moment probably didn’t last more than a few seconds but there was enough emotion behind it to make me remember it. It’s sad that the kiss gets ignored and in most times is a means to an end. Especially as I grow older it seems to be that way. It’s as fun now as it was when I was in high school, and I hope it doesn’t stop being fun… at least until I’m about 90 and not able to kiss anymore.