I’ve made connections with a lot of people, but I’m not naive enough to believe I know everything about them. I don’t know half of everything of the people I think I know best. Then again I know my friends more so that most people know their friends because I think most are afraid of getting too close to another person. As a consequence, I’ve always had one or two close friends and not many acquantices. Before I sound too negative, though, I believe this is a good thing. If I knew everything about someone then it would most likely become boring. There would be no inquisitive conversations and no surprises. There’s nothing wrong with the comfortability that comes from knowing and understanding someone who is important in your life because I enjoy that as well. But it’s the thrill I get from learning all about someone new that I like more.
Archive for October, 2004
Knowing People
Sunday, October 31st, 2004Kill Me, Just Kill Me
Sunday, October 31st, 2004I cannot possibly describe how much I hate when I hear or read these three words together: maybe, just maybe. Mostly I’ll hear it in films when some underdog character is trying overcome insurmountable odds. Recently, though, I read it in a novel and I put the book down immediately. I have zero interest in ever continuing it again.
I think the biggest reason why I don’t like is because the situations in which its used is too melodramatic and thus makes the plot seem instantly lame. I can’t even write any more about it because it’s making me cringe.
My Pessimistic View on Dating
Tuesday, October 26th, 2004Some people have heard me talk about this for a while now, mostly at work when my girl friends talk about how they are treated by men. Very few do I hear from guys but that’s most likely due to the double standard in dating. Not all stories are bad, but for the most part it’s kind of sad they way people are treated.
Overall, I’d venture to guess there are at most five people with whom you could make a solid connection with in a romantic sense. That isn’t to say you won’t meet more than five or even ten people in your life that you will have feelings for, but that there are only five people that you will come across in which a long term relationship can exist. By long term I mean ending up together and making a life with each other. Perhaps it won’t last an entire lifetime, but at least it has (or had) that potential. Such a person will test everything you’ve got, and unknowingly you will do the same. The rough spots won’t seem so rough, and the small things will seem larger than they are. That’s what happens when two people are compatible and do what they do. Furthermore, I’m not implying that something will exist with all (or any) of the five. They are merely put into your life at some random point to test you. What you do or do not do about it is your choice. The reality, though, is most likely you will not encounter all of the initial five. I’ve dated a good number of people and who knows if I’ve met one of my five. Obviously nothing has panned out thus far, but that doesn’t mean I haven’t met any of them. I could’ve just not acted on anything and ultimately that is my fault. We all want to believe that love is some magical thing that takes everything else away and leaves nothing but smiles and happiness. Unfortunately that isn’t what I’ve experienced and I’m better for it.
Probably the only thing more disconcerting than the pessimistic tone of what I’m currently writing is those couples who are forcing it to work. A relationship, by default, requires some form of effort in order to succeed. I’m not confusing the give and take for the outright forcing of making something out of what has become nothing. People struggle, relationships struggle, but I’ve learned when it’s at its end and therefore I feel others should follow suit and get rid of those things that weigh them down. The naive belief that by working now all will be right in the end is so futile I can’t stand it. You can’t fake feelings but you also cannot fix fundamental problems that will inevitably keep resurfacing. Mentally changing is difficult, I understand this, and physically changing is even harder. That doesn’t alter the fact that if you are stuck in a situation remotely similar to what I am describing, that you are actually hurting yourself and you are certainly not helping your relationship. Feel free to refuse to believe me, but some things aren’t meant to happen no matter how much effort is exerted. Let it go, because unless you’ve exhausted your other five options, there’s still a chance… otherwise, there are worse things than being single — like being stupid.
Anything Worthwhile Goes Through Conflict
Friday, October 22nd, 2004Much of what I think about when I’m driving has to do with my past. I’m not sure why that is, but if I had to take a stab at it I’d have to say it’s due to the fact that when I’m driving there isn’t much else to think about. I can’t do homework or check email so that leaves me to think.
Thinking about people and events that mean the most to me… they all came about from some sort of conflict. Not necessarily a fight but perhaps a long journey or experience that didn’t come easy. If you don’t have to try, then there’s no excitement and no reward at the end. There’s nohing to look back upon that makes you realize what you have accomplished or have is worth anything.
The people I admire most are those who have either been through something difficult with me or at least been through something similar. We can relate and we know what we mean to each other — there’s no question because nothing could be worse than what was already had. With no emotional investment or struggle there would be no triumph and no real sense of being alive.
My First Midterm
Thursday, October 21st, 2004So as of Tuesday at five o’clock I’ve been finished with my first midterm as a graduate student. I don’t think it went well, but at least everyone thinks it didn’t go smoothly either. I made at least one careless error that I know about, and didn’t answer two questions worth a total of 15 points. Going into the last problem I estimate at most a 50/70 with a maximum of 20 points earned on question three. If I pull out a 70 I will surprised. Mostly I’m disappointed in myself because I know I can do better than this. I know I didn’t do my best to prepare for the test, and I can’t do that if I want to further my education. I need to give myself every opportunity.
My second test comes exactly two weeks from tonight. The class, Digital Signal Processing, is the one where I feel the weakest so I’m more or less dreading it. The only positive thing about taking it is to be done. Sadly, though, I don’t think there’s any chance I will excel on that one.
The good news is Erika unexpectedly arrived from North Carolina tonight. I haven’t seen her since she left at the beginning of the summer to do an Economics doctorate at Duke University. I’m really happy she stopped by… it’s great to see her.
Thoughts That Happen When Everything Else is Clear
Saturday, October 16th, 2004It’s not very often that I feel déjà vu, but when it happens it usually occurs two or three times in one day. Sometimes I feel it if I wake up in the morning and there’s fog outside because then the air will smell like the last time I went back to England. After my mom and I got off the plane I remember standing outside the airport waiting for the rental car and the temperature was a lot lower than I was expecting. The scent was about as unique as a smell could be, and thus it has been engraved into my memory. I don’t recall anything else I did on that trip, but I’ll never forget the taste of the London air.
Tuesday night, when I went running, was the first time in a while I’ve looked up and not seen a cloud. The sky seemed illuminated by the moon, and the stars were everywhere. At first I couldn’t place where I had felt similar emotions before but the more I ran the more it was coming back to me. It reminded me how I felt when Jenni Ihns and I went to the boardwalk. It was cool outside and the sky was crystal clear with the moon as bright as I’ve ever seen it. Standing in the middle of nowhere I was fascinated with the lights from planes flying overhead… they were moving so fast, and I couldn’t imagine where everyone could possibly be going. I doubt she was fascinated by that, or anything about that night for that matter. To me it was peaceful, but now the thoughts are a reminder of a friendship that won’t ever be as close as it was then. It’s no one’s fault and people grow apart. There are barriers that don’t allow us to be that way. I don’t want to stop time or even reverse it, but I am saddened by the way things have turned out and because I’ve lost a friend. The occasional IM or “how’s it going” isn’t sufficient. In fact, I take that as an insult.
I don’t remember the last time I even saw her without making a concerted effort. Friendship is a two way street and I realize this, but that doesn’t mean I have to always bear the burden. I shouldn’t always have to call or invite or ask for her to set aside time. I’m not asking the world of her, I’m asking for a couple of hours. I’m busy too, but that doesn’t stop me. It’s that very sentiment that makes me want to give up.
Probably the thing that makes me feel the worst is that I can’t even go to her and express my thoughts because I don’t think it would change anything. Perhaps it would short term because there’s a certain layer of guilt that would be laid. I’m not after a guilt trip.. that isn’t rewarding, that’s pathetic. Long term, though, I don’t see us ever finding that friendship again.
I am Ready, or am I Blind?
Saturday, October 9th, 2004It’s naive to think there could ever be peace, and trying to achieve peace amongst all is not only futile but also unnatural. In the animal kingdom, it is conflict and violence that is the ultimate settlement of dispute. We are, after all, animals.
With that being said, what if the United States had mandatory military service requirements. ? I think if I HAD to go to war I would meet that challenge. Keep in mind I’m not saying that I would ever want to go to war, but if I had no choice I think I could take something positive from the experience. I don’t have the slightest idea of what it would be like, and I’m not trying to pretend to minimize the seriousness of what I would be stepping into… but I believe in the most extreme of circumstances, where life is fragile, that we as humans have the ability to shine. Not in the war hero sense, but through what could be learned by putting oneself to the limit. There’s something redeeming in the thought that if I had no other alternative, I could still survive. If I couldn’t then I would know. Because until that point there would have always been a safety net.
My Small Light
Saturday, October 9th, 2004So much of what I am today can be attributed to something seemingly insignificant when I was growing up. My tiny, uncomfortable twin bed covered in Sesame Street bed sheets and comforter was pushed against the wall. The headboard had some shelves and one distinct thing about it was the night light that sat on the upper left shelf. Inside the thing of porcelain was some kind of pretend house for some family of make believe animals. The front door was always open and there were little holes on the roof from which a small light, when turned on, always protruded onto the back and sides of the headboard. Depending upon how I moved the light it could project a different pattern onto the surround wood, similar to what can be done with life’s opportunities.
Assume, first of all, that opportunity is signified by the small incandescent bulb and that the outcome of each opportunity is represented by how the light touches everything else. If the light is never switched on then nothing will ever change. There’s no reference point and nothing to go by… no measure of what is or what could be. Even if the light is on — meaning the opportunity has presented itself — most of the possibility is contained inward, escaping only through the small holes. What does leak out is a symbol of what others can see, and is ever-changing as I move through life. Sometimes a tweak here can shut everyone out, but a tweak there can reveal more about me than I could feasibly express in as many words.
I wouldn’t call it as much of a struggle as I would a journey in becoming the person I want to be. The miniscule changes in perspective affect all aspects of my persona. From the way I interpret others to the ways they may interpret me. All I can hope for is when I have the chance to adapt into a better person that sense of opportunity hasn’t disappeared.
One Thing About Arrogant People
Friday, October 8th, 2004What is with the smug, arrogant sons of bitches that get off by making you believe they must be the smartest people alive? Case in point, on Wednesday (10/06/2004) I was sitting in the computer lab when a classmate of mine sits down a few chairs away from me. I’m working on some signal processing homework when I ask the person if he has started the homework that’s due in five days. His response was classic: a soft laugh to himself followed by the verbal justification of his body language, “It’s due when? Monday morning, right? So that means I’ll start it, oh I don’t know… sometime late on Sunday night.” I couldn’t help but think this person thinks I’m a real idiot because it’s Wednesday and I’m already working on the homework. As the rational and reasonable part of my brain took hold I decided this guy just made me write him off as an ass. This guy is nothing but weak and has some ego that must be maintained by acting with such a false bravado. Such a pretense is a joke, and removes all credibility he could possibly have when talking to anyone.
There is no way this homework can be done in one sitting — the topic is too dull, too difficult, and too dense. In fact, I don’t care if he could ace the homework or tests because in that instant he revealed enough about his personality to make me not ever want to be associated with him. It’s not even that he could possibly do the work that irks me, it’s the way he makes it known that he’s the DSP king. It you know your stuff then execute, don’t be a jerk about it.
Well what do I know.. it’s Friday and I’m almost done. At least now I can stop bitching and continue looking forward to watching Sunday night football.
Appeasement or Sincerity
Thursday, October 7th, 2004Today I got to thinking about how many times a day I say “I’m sorry” versus the number of times I actually feel sorry for something that I’ve done or said. I would estimate that less than 50% of the time I really feel bad about my actions. After all, I am the one thinking and acting — good or bad, positive or negative. I’m not talking about pushing someone down stairs or stealing someone’s book bag, because those aren’t the kinds of situations in which I would not put myself. I mean normal everyday stuff that just seems to happen. For example, when you’re walking around and you’re headed directly towards someone. You both try to avoid each other and you both go in the same direction again.. a couple of times. As you finally stop walking and get around that person you both invariably apologize to each other. Does that make sense? Neither party is genuinely sorry and rightfully so… so then why mention the sorry? I’m sure there are people out there who truly feel sorry about every last thing, but I’m not worried about them… this is about me and those like me.
I may feel like an idiot for accidentally walking into someone because I’m not paying attention to what I’m doing, but a good majority of the time I don’t feel sorry… I feel stupid. If I knock someone over and hurt them then that’s a different story, but otherwise I’m merely masking my stupidity through an apology. What’s that about? Obviously I’m at fault, but does the fact that I would say sorry (especially when I don’t mean it) to someone really placate them? Is that what people want to hear, and if so is that enough?
Furthermore, such behavior can be applied to almost every facet of life — most importantly in relationships with other people. It seems to me most folks in them want to be appeased, and they don’t care about (or even need) genuine emotion. It’s the willingness to accept someone else’s meaningless apology that undermines other’s sincerity.