I must preface this entry by saying I’m in no way looking for sympathy, nor am I wanting anyone reading this to try and change the way I feel. My purpose in writing the following is to record my current thoughts and emotions for myself, and lastly to get it off my chest.
Over the past 24 hours I’ve had an introspective look at how I am with other people. Specifically what I mean to others and, in turn, what they mean to me. In thinking this certain things have been realized, the most prominent of which is that I run, at best, second in any one of my friend’s lives. That’s what bothers me — I have no best friend, and no confidante. Since high school I’ve become close to a dozen or so people, and those people still actively in my life I can count on one hand. I’d rather be able to count that with a simple thought, not some in depth analysis of my college friendship history. I have a group of people who know different parts, but not one person who knows all of me. I miss that, and I want it back.
Is it a consequence of growing up or am I missing something? Is it now impossible to have the type of pure friendship that has no expectations or preconceived notions, and only a clean slate with nothing in the way of two people getting close? Someone who wouldn’t think twice about staying over or going to dinner with me on a Saturday night… like a date, only not a date. Nothing sexual, nothing romantic, just two people who put each other first… at least for a little while. I say it like this because I usually get closer to girls than guys for the simple reason that I have a better connection with females. I always seem to open up more and am more apt to understand their perspective. Guys I know, but girls have always been more of a challenge. It’s all a game, really.. but I feel like right now I don’t even get to play. It isn’t that I won’t get another shot at knowing someone new… I guess I’m just impatient with something I can’t be impatient with.