It’s not very often that I feel déjà vu, but when it happens it usually occurs two or three times in one day. Sometimes I feel it if I wake up in the morning and there’s fog outside because then the air will smell like the last time I went back to England. After my mom and I got off the plane I remember standing outside the airport waiting for the rental car and the temperature was a lot lower than I was expecting. The scent was about as unique as a smell could be, and thus it has been engraved into my memory. I don’t recall anything else I did on that trip, but I’ll never forget the taste of the London air.
Tuesday night, when I went running, was the first time in a while I’ve looked up and not seen a cloud. The sky seemed illuminated by the moon, and the stars were everywhere. At first I couldn’t place where I had felt similar emotions before but the more I ran the more it was coming back to me. It reminded me how I felt when Jenni Ihns and I went to the boardwalk. It was cool outside and the sky was crystal clear with the moon as bright as I’ve ever seen it. Standing in the middle of nowhere I was fascinated with the lights from planes flying overhead… they were moving so fast, and I couldn’t imagine where everyone could possibly be going. I doubt she was fascinated by that, or anything about that night for that matter. To me it was peaceful, but now the thoughts are a reminder of a friendship that won’t ever be as close as it was then. It’s no one’s fault and people grow apart. There are barriers that don’t allow us to be that way. I don’t want to stop time or even reverse it, but I am saddened by the way things have turned out and because I’ve lost a friend. The occasional IM or “how’s it going” isn’t sufficient. In fact, I take that as an insult.
I don’t remember the last time I even saw her without making a concerted effort. Friendship is a two way street and I realize this, but that doesn’t mean I have to always bear the burden. I shouldn’t always have to call or invite or ask for her to set aside time. I’m not asking the world of her, I’m asking for a couple of hours. I’m busy too, but that doesn’t stop me. It’s that very sentiment that makes me want to give up.
Probably the thing that makes me feel the worst is that I can’t even go to her and express my thoughts because I don’t think it would change anything. Perhaps it would short term because there’s a certain layer of guilt that would be laid. I’m not after a guilt trip.. that isn’t rewarding, that’s pathetic. Long term, though, I don’t see us ever finding that friendship again.