the path

It’s been a while since I’ve put something meaningful to read on here because I haven’t been all too philosophical about anything ‘public.’ I need to start getting back to putting my thoughts down on paper instead of only thinking them.

Being the kind of person I want to be in all aspects is tough and if I set my goals too high I’m afraid I won’t ever reach them. Inversely, if I set them too low then I’d be limiting myself. Finding that balance has always been my problem (and I’m sure a lot of other people’s as well). Halfway through dinner I realized that on I’ve surpassed my initial goal of balancing graduate school with life and I haven’t set a new one. I think talking to someone at any depth for the first time brings that to the surface because otherwise those sorts of sentiments lay dormant. I can’t notice a gradual change in my physical appearance, but if I look at photographs from years ago I can tell I’m getting older. The same, for me, holds true when I look at how much I’ve grown as a person in the past five years. I left high school with a limited concept of my capabilities and now I feel as though I’m able to “be something.” What that something is will most likely be my next goal.

Today I received a copy of an email today from one of my professors to the vice chair of the department asking for me to again be one of the teaching assistants for the robotics class over the summer. It makes me feel good that Dr. Arroyo has a positive opinion of me and my ability to help others because in the past two weeks I’ve felt more like I was getting in the way than helping. By ruining a design by deleting something important, not being as positive about ideas as I should be, or not being entirely productive when I need to be I feel as though I’ve let a few of the students down. I try hard to meet all of their expectations, but I’m going to try a little harder in hopes that I’ll meet mine. I don’t treat the job as a job, and that’s a start, because that means I haven’t lost sight of my goal of helping those who want to succeed.

Over the past two days, there seems to be quite a bit of words and thought about a candle. Whether it was the person who purchased it, the guest who commented on it, or what has been crossing my mind the most: what it has come to represent.

This evening I was laying on my covers looking up and I noticed a familiar sight of the projectection of the lamp shade touching the ceiling. The smell of vanilla conjured up a few fleeting memories but most importantly the sense of tranquility through soft conversation. I can’t explain in words, but the chemical change of a burning wick and the surrounding molten wax never opened my eyes as much as it did in that moment.

I’m not sure how to explain it but it always seems to me that if I try to make any kind of life plan or decision as to how I want to end up, something goes awry and in the end I wind up a ways from where I originally thought. For example, a year and a half ago I thought by this time that I would be working full time and that school would be a distant memory. Hopefully that dream will be realized a year from now but if my previous history has anything to say about it then it will not be so. It’s not always a negative thing… I sometimes like surprises.

So after almost five years of classical training I’m still no further to finding a job than I was at 18. Granted, I’ve learned the random something but am I any closer to a career? I’ve had six or seven job interviews — one each with Microsoft, Livewire Communications, Siemens, and a company I cannot remember, as well as three with IBM — but thus far only one sub-par offer from Atlanta based Livewire. I wonder if my advanced degree will bring anything new in regards to employment opportunities. Perhaps it’s the industry telling me to stay in school or that I’m not qualified. The latter doesn’t concern me, but I’m not sure I’d be willing to stay in education any longer.

Everything I’ve accomplished fits on one side of a piece of paper — to me that’s kind of scary. All it does is allow some company representative who doesn’t know the first thing about me make a judgement on whether or not I would be a valuable hire. A decision, I’m almost sure, that is more based on luck of the draw than on any real talent or accolade. So I think tomorrow I’m going to show up with a Hawaiian t-shirt, a pair of board shorts, sandles, and a six foot sombrero… and I’ll see how the cattle call goes.