the path

While evaluating Tuesday night, I spent the entire day yesterday thinking about what motivates my behavior. Not necessarily limited to the normal psychological influences of behavior like society and culture, but what helps me decide what seems like the best thing to do at any given time. Furthermore, why is it that it sometimes takes me a lot to realize the very little pleasures because they often get ignored?

Tuesday night I was sitting on Jenni’s couch playing Trivial Pursuit and I was having a lot of fun. Being around her is something I’m really going to miss once she heads off to Azerbaijan. After knowing her for a few years I have a level of comfort with her that doesn’t exist with many of the other people I hang around with. I’d probably get annoyed by her with enough exposure but I haven’t ever gotten to that point as we haven’t ever spent too much time around one another.

On Wednesday it irked me that this part of my life had been ignored on both sides and now that she’s leaving in a little under a month, the chances of us being like that ever again were slim. I couldn’t shake the feeling that the only reason we were like that Tuesday night was because she was in fact leaving. If there happened to be another month or two then that it wouldn’t have happened. I say that because it didn’t happen last month. There were still weeks that needed to pass before any strong sense of importance was felt by either party. Why does that urgency only surface when it can’t be denied? That goes against my idealistic view of how such interaction should be: not planned out, fun, and plentiful.

After seeing my movie last night, I decided to stop by Jenni’s house for a grilled cheese. Usuaully I park in the lot that is 50 yards from her from door but for whatever reason I decided to park in the lot they say they tow from. In the four years she’s lived there she said she’s only seen one person get towed. Well, now that number is two. Obviously it’s my own fault and I guess it’s a little crazy that I’ve lived in Gainesville for five years and until last night haven’t had my car removed from anywhere. The bright side is the driver let me pay $40 to drop it in the parking lot instead of the $76 to bring it all the way to Depot. How nice of him — I should write him a thank you card.

This time last year I was preparing for graduation because it was less than three weeks away. Little did I know that my grandad was coming from England (even though my mom did slip and tell me a few weeks in advance it was still a pleasant surprise). Tonight as I was looking through the pictures I remembered something he said to me a little bit before this photo: “I can’t promise I’ll make your wedding, Steve, but at least I’m here for this.” Even then I knew he was sick, but I didn’t really think twice about his statement. Never before has he missed anything life changing — my mother’s medical school graduation, the move from New Jersey in the summer of 1999 — and it make me unnerved to know that he never will physically be present to those kinds of events again. It’s been more than three months since he died and I still can’t help but rewind a year to this date in 2004 when he was still here.

I found out today that this summer I’m going to again be the teaching assistant for the robots class. I’m happy because I’ll be able to be active in those projects, get paid for my time, and improve my skills as a teacher. Most importantly I’ll get a chance to change the things that I thought I (or the class in general) lacked. Maybe I’ll get motivated and even build a robot next semester.

The beginning of April for the past few years has brought about more stress than my body can handle. All of the semester’s work is coming to a close and invariably I catch cold or otherwise become unproductive. I was hoping this year would be different and that I could actually finish my term paper before the end of March, but I missed that goal and now am stuck having to finish the paper and present it on Thursday morning. I don’t know why I have such a hard time finishing projects because when I start them I am eager and always willing to put the time in. I guess in the end I grow bored of the same old thing and thus revert back to old habits.

The good news is after next Wednesday, April 13, I could almost be done with classes if I do well on the Digital Filters exam. The Machine Intelligence exams are already over with and the remaining item is the presentation which will be completed Wednesday night and given on Thursday. My independent study class has always taken the back seat and I hope to have my formal lecture material ready to be handed during the last week of classes.

Thinking back… I don’t even remember February. January was exciting because I was starting something new but after the second or third week all the way up until Spring Break I have no idea as to what I was doing. Furthermore, at the end of the week I’m usually so burned out that I can’t really recall each of the days discretely because they all seem to blend in to one another. What’s that about? I can’t wait for the first week in May — I think then I’ll try to get out of town for the entire week and take a real break.