the path

While evaluating Tuesday night, I spent the entire day yesterday thinking about what motivates my behavior. Not necessarily limited to the normal psychological influences of behavior like society and culture, but what helps me decide what seems like the best thing to do at any given time. Furthermore, why is it that it sometimes takes me a lot to realize the very little pleasures because they often get ignored?

Tuesday night I was sitting on Jenni’s couch playing Trivial Pursuit and I was having a lot of fun. Being around her is something I’m really going to miss once she heads off to Azerbaijan. After knowing her for a few years I have a level of comfort with her that doesn’t exist with many of the other people I hang around with. I’d probably get annoyed by her with enough exposure but I haven’t ever gotten to that point as we haven’t ever spent too much time around one another.

On Wednesday it irked me that this part of my life had been ignored on both sides and now that she’s leaving in a little under a month, the chances of us being like that ever again were slim. I couldn’t shake the feeling that the only reason we were like that Tuesday night was because she was in fact leaving. If there happened to be another month or two then that it wouldn’t have happened. I say that because it didn’t happen last month. There were still weeks that needed to pass before any strong sense of importance was felt by either party. Why does that urgency only surface when it can’t be denied? That goes against my idealistic view of how such interaction should be: not planned out, fun, and plentiful.

After seeing my movie last night, I decided to stop by Jenni’s house for a grilled cheese. Usuaully I park in the lot that is 50 yards from her from door but for whatever reason I decided to park in the lot they say they tow from. In the four years she’s lived there she said she’s only seen one person get towed. Well, now that number is two. Obviously it’s my own fault and I guess it’s a little crazy that I’ve lived in Gainesville for five years and until last night haven’t had my car removed from anywhere. The bright side is the driver let me pay $40 to drop it in the parking lot instead of the $76 to bring it all the way to Depot. How nice of him — I should write him a thank you card.

The beginning of April for the past few years has brought about more stress than my body can handle. All of the semester’s work is coming to a close and invariably I catch cold or otherwise become unproductive. I was hoping this year would be different and that I could actually finish my term paper before the end of March, but I missed that goal and now am stuck having to finish the paper and present it on Thursday morning. I don’t know why I have such a hard time finishing projects because when I start them I am eager and always willing to put the time in. I guess in the end I grow bored of the same old thing and thus revert back to old habits.

The good news is after next Wednesday, April 13, I could almost be done with classes if I do well on the Digital Filters exam. The Machine Intelligence exams are already over with and the remaining item is the presentation which will be completed Wednesday night and given on Thursday. My independent study class has always taken the back seat and I hope to have my formal lecture material ready to be handed during the last week of classes.

Thinking back… I don’t even remember February. January was exciting because I was starting something new but after the second or third week all the way up until Spring Break I have no idea as to what I was doing. Furthermore, at the end of the week I’m usually so burned out that I can’t really recall each of the days discretely because they all seem to blend in to one another. What’s that about? I can’t wait for the first week in May — I think then I’ll try to get out of town for the entire week and take a real break.

The most aggravating thing about waking up early on a normal basis (eg, everyday for three to five days) is that when have the chance to sleep in you cannot. I got to sleep around 2:45am and woke up rather disgruntled at 7:20 this morning to the sound of terribly annoying bird quickly chirping the same three notes every five seconds. Knowing I didn’t have to rise until about 11, I tossed and turned for about 40 minutes but eventually gave up seeing as how now it is 8:22. When all I want is sleep, the only other thing left to do is to try and be productive.

A few days ago I wanted to explore a thought I had about true versus romantic love. Right now I could just as easily copy and paste those words but the irony is I don’t have the authority to comment on any definition of love. I’ve gone from as a senior in high school with Kari telling me that I’m completely incapable of feeling anything for anyone to looking back at what a fool I must have been standing in the Christmas Day snow in my socks. Thinking from anyone else’s shoes, that last sentence doesn’t make any sense. That’s the beauty of it — it doesn’t need to. My definition is probably too naïve, or too idealistic to be real.

The more I grow, the more I become the same. The same patterns, thoughts, actions, friends — all alike. I’ve wondered how I end up where I do and I don’t have an answer. I suppose it’s because I let it happen. To some degree on purpose, and the rest subconsciously. It doesn’t matter because all it does is frustrate me and for no good reason. I always think, “this isn’t me.” But… it is. Every time I reach this point I make decisions and I never ultimately follow through with them because I eventually forget why it is that the decisions were made in the first place.

It’s not very often that I feel déjà vu, but when it happens it usually occurs two or three times in one day. Sometimes I feel it if I wake up in the morning and there’s fog outside because then the air will smell like the last time I went back to England. After my mom and I got off the plane I remember standing outside the airport waiting for the rental car and the temperature was a lot lower than I was expecting. The scent was about as unique as a smell could be, and thus it has been engraved into my memory. I don’t recall anything else I did on that trip, but I’ll never forget the taste of the London air.

Tuesday night, when I went running, was the first time in a while I’ve looked up and not seen a cloud. The sky seemed illuminated by the moon, and the stars were everywhere. At first I couldn’t place where I had felt similar emotions before but the more I ran the more it was coming back to me. It reminded me how I felt when Jenni Ihns and I went to the boardwalk. It was cool outside and the sky was crystal clear with the moon as bright as I’ve ever seen it. Standing in the middle of nowhere I was fascinated with the lights from planes flying overhead… they were moving so fast, and I couldn’t imagine where everyone could possibly be going. I doubt she was fascinated by that, or anything about that night for that matter. To me it was peaceful, but now the thoughts are a reminder of a friendship that won’t ever be as close as it was then. It’s no one’s fault and people grow apart. There are barriers that don’t allow us to be that way. I don’t want to stop time or even reverse it, but I am saddened by the way things have turned out and because I’ve lost a friend. The occasional IM or “how’s it going” isn’t sufficient. In fact, I take that as an insult.

I don’t remember the last time I even saw her without making a concerted effort. Friendship is a two way street and I realize this, but that doesn’t mean I have to always bear the burden. I shouldn’t always have to call or invite or ask for her to set aside time. I’m not asking the world of her, I’m asking for a couple of hours. I’m busy too, but that doesn’t stop me. It’s that very sentiment that makes me want to give up.

Probably the thing that makes me feel the worst is that I can’t even go to her and express my thoughts because I don’t think it would change anything. Perhaps it would short term because there’s a certain layer of guilt that would be laid. I’m not after a guilt trip.. that isn’t rewarding, that’s pathetic. Long term, though, I don’t see us ever finding that friendship again.

What is with the smug, arrogant sons of bitches that get off by making you believe they must be the smartest people alive? Case in point, on Wednesday (10/06/2004) I was sitting in the computer lab when a classmate of mine sits down a few chairs away from me. I’m working on some signal processing homework when I ask the person if he has started the homework that’s due in five days. His response was classic: a soft laugh to himself followed by the verbal justification of his body language, “It’s due when? Monday morning, right? So that means I’ll start it, oh I don’t know… sometime late on Sunday night.” I couldn’t help but think this person thinks I’m a real idiot because it’s Wednesday and I’m already working on the homework. As the rational and reasonable part of my brain took hold I decided this guy just made me write him off as an ass. This guy is nothing but weak and has some ego that must be maintained by acting with such a false bravado. Such a pretense is a joke, and removes all credibility he could possibly have when talking to anyone.

There is no way this homework can be done in one sitting — the topic is too dull, too difficult, and too dense. In fact, I don’t care if he could ace the homework or tests because in that instant he revealed enough about his personality to make me not ever want to be associated with him. It’s not even that he could possibly do the work that irks me, it’s the way he makes it known that he’s the DSP king. It you know your stuff then execute, don’t be a jerk about it.

Well what do I know.. it’s Friday and I’m almost done. At least now I can stop bitching and continue looking forward to watching Sunday night football.

I don’t understand the reasoning behind the proverbial hint, when it comes to getting it or taking one. The psychology behind it… I don’t understand that either. Isn’t it easier to be direct, and don’t people rather have others be direct with them? Perhaps it’s a feeling of superiority over another person that people need because for once they don’t want to be around someone who wants to be around them. We all do it, and my question is why. I’ll try as best I can to evaluate both perspectives of the hinter and the hintee.

The hinter is in a position of power. That must be what is so appealing, or is it the fact that the hinter is the better person by exuding niceness in every way possible. This includes not wanting to have you around, but not having the courage to tell you what is up. Someone is not being “too nice” to say anything. In fact the hinter is completely void of compassion in that respect. I’m sure this type of person is never the idiot. All sarcasm aside, I can see how this behavior propagates because it is easier to not tell someone they’re not wanted than it is to tell someone they’re not welcome. It shows a lack of respect and an inability to communicate effectively.

Now that leaves us with the hintee. Obviously something is wrong with this clown because his or her desire is meaningless and is more often than not a bother or an inconvenience. Utterly pathetic, but seemingly oblivious. The sweet irony of the sitaution prevents this character from being all-knowing. Besides, who honestly believes that someone would want to give them a hint? People always speak their minds… don’t they?

I’m not bitter about anything that happened, and I could understand how it would seem as though I am indeed upset. There’s no specific inspiration for why I’m writing this other than I’m simply tired of the way people treat each other. It’s petty and sad. In the past I know I’ve been guilty of being the hinter, but I’ve also been on receiving side. Either position is unpleasant, but tell me straight up — I’ll respect you more. I’m sure you’d want the same.

It’s a fact that ever since I came to school in Gainesville I’ve hated the first kiss. Now I don’t know why I do, because I never had a problem with it in the past. I’m fairly forward about everything else so why I can’t bring myself to kiss someone for the first time remains a mystery to me. The only thing I don’t like is the uncertainty of what comes next, provided there is something next. Once I get past my own insecurities and inhibitions I’m fine. Usually, though, since the thought of kissing someone new lingers in my mind, by the time I’m ready I’ve already built it up to be this big deal. It never is — I realize this — but it’s there and is still a hangup.

It’s hard to count (not because there have been too many) how many girls I’ve dated in college because most of them were just a friendly thing and then there was a kiss involved. I’ve been officially single for much of the college career, but that doesn’t count the fling type relationships I’ve had. They usually don’t last very long because for whatever reason I strive to be emotionally void and as distant as I possibly can be. It all comes down to me not letting myself go or not allowing myself to try something new.

If I were to estimate I’d say there were three noteworthy people in the past four years with whom I’ve wanted to be with at one time or another. With each there was a first kiss, and even a second… each one being meaningful. No matter what, though, there will always be that I enjoyed most or is the most memorable. I’m not sure if I’ve explained the whole situation to anyone before, and certainly not to the other person in question. Not because I’m ashamed but because it’s something that is really mine and isn’t meant for anybody else. I can’t explain details, really but I can shed some light onto my already vague-sounding post; the moment it happened is completely clear like it happened three hours ago. Sometime in the afternoon she and I were talking and we started kissing and it felt brand new. So much so that it everything was slow, it seemed, and I couldn’t think about anything other than her lips touching mine. The moment probably didn’t last more than a few seconds but there was enough emotion behind it to make me remember it. It’s sad that the kiss gets ignored and in most times is a means to an end. Especially as I grow older it seems to be that way. It’s as fun now as it was when I was in high school, and I hope it doesn’t stop being fun… at least until I’m about 90 and not able to kiss anymore.

Usually by this time, I’m already asleep and not thinking about what I am wanting right now. Being single, as I am, has many great benefits but one main downfall: loneliness. The way I feel about it isn’t an all consuming sentiment, but mostly it makes me think why. Why is it that I’m still awake? Why isn’t someone taking my attention instead of no one leaving my mind to wander elsewhere? Why is it that I am the way that I am?

Once in a while I’ll think about a particular relationship from high school (when on more than one occasion I gladly ruined the whole thing just as it could’ve progressed into something more meaningful). I’m not trying to fill the space with anyone — but it would be nice to lie down next to someone who’s softer and cooler to the touch than me, yet warmer than the extra pillow.

I guess all I’m really saying is I’d be okay if something just fell into place. Ironically when it does come around, I usually shy away from it pretty quickly.