I’m not sure how to explain it but it always seems to me that if I try to make any kind of life plan or decision as to how I want to end up, something goes awry and in the end I wind up a ways from where I originally thought. For example, a year and a half ago I thought by this time that I would be working full time and that school would be a distant memory. Hopefully that dream will be realized a year from now but if my previous history has anything to say about it then it will not be so. It’s not always a negative thing… I sometimes like surprises.
Archive for the ‘Life’ Category
When It Comes Around
Tuesday, February 15th, 2005The Resume
Tuesday, February 1st, 2005So after almost five years of classical training I’m still no further to finding a job than I was at 18. Granted, I’ve learned the random something but am I any closer to a career? I’ve had six or seven job interviews — one each with Microsoft, Livewire Communications, Siemens, and a company I cannot remember, as well as three with IBM — but thus far only one sub-par offer from Atlanta based Livewire. I wonder if my advanced degree will bring anything new in regards to employment opportunities. Perhaps it’s the industry telling me to stay in school or that I’m not qualified. The latter doesn’t concern me, but I’m not sure I’d be willing to stay in education any longer.
Everything I’ve accomplished fits on one side of a piece of paper — to me that’s kind of scary. All it does is allow some company representative who doesn’t know the first thing about me make a judgement on whether or not I would be a valuable hire. A decision, I’m almost sure, that is more based on luck of the draw than on any real talent or accolade. So I think tomorrow I’m going to show up with a Hawaiian t-shirt, a pair of board shorts, sandles, and a six foot sombrero… and I’ll see how the cattle call goes.
The First and the Last
Sunday, January 9th, 2005I don’t recall much about being a young child, but I can remember odd things like the first time I had any recollection of the furniture in my house being rearranged or when I called the fire department because my dad’s barbeque was on fire (in my defense it was flaming). One of the staples of my childhood would be when my grandma and grandad would come to visit from England. The whole day we would spend cleaning — my mom dusting and me vacuuming — in an attempt to get ready and have the house at its best. They would always arrive in the evening and be exhausted. Grandma would go to sleep pretty quickly, and grandad would sometimes have a beer and some crisps (potato chips) with my dad. The next morning, they would both be up early and I could always count on grandad doing a crossword puzzle and having a cup of coffee, and grandma sitting by the window with it slightly ajar. He’d always ask me to solve the puzzles with him, and of course I didn’t know anything except the random Disney or Nickelodeon question. If I said an answer and he didn’t know it off the top of his head he’d write it down. I wonder how many times I was actually correct. It isn’t right that I’ll never wake up to that exact sequence of events ever again.
Probably my first real memory of my grandad was the summer they came to stay with us and as a result I didn’t have to go to daycare at La Petite Academy (I hated that place). My mornings I’d spend playing with Legos or playing frisbee with my grandma in the living room with a makeshift frisbee that was actually the top to the jar of peanuts. Late mornings or early afternoons comprised mostly of walking down Paddock Drive, past Wellington Elementary School, through the now blocked off housing subdivision, and towards to “old Winne Dixie” shopping center when it was one of only two of its kind in Wellington. I’d usually get tired about halfway and I would always crouch down to stretch my legs. I loved walking through the neighborhood and holding hands with both of them. As a kid I craved that attention that they so easily gave to me and I love them deeply because of it.
They would occasionally take me to the park where we once found an old horseshoe that was kept on the porch of our house for years. I don’t know whatever happened to it, but it probably fell apart from all the weathering and rust. Both grandma and grandad would always play games — Connect Four was my favorite. If I didn’t know how to play them, they always made it a point to teach me. Chess and marbles are the two that stick in my mind at this point… for whatever reason. I really miss all that.
One time when my mom, dad, and I traveled to England for Christmas both grandma and grandad helped me build the only snowman I have ever built. I don’t remember any of the construction, but I can remember distinctly looking out of the kitchen window and seeing it sitting there in the back yard. Of course that was 17 years ago, but I wish that could be yesterday because then I’d be able to write the letter or send the fax that I always thought I could send tomorrow or next week. Something so small and more or less effortless on my part could have made his day, but for some unknown or possibly selfish reason I always put it off. I feel terrible for that, and I don’t understand why I only sparingly did nice things like that for him — Christmas cards or a hello on the telephone every couple of months.
At my graduation on April 30, 2004, he said to me, “I can’t promise I’ll make your wedding, but I’m glad I made it to your graduation.” It broke my heart when he said that because I know how proud he was of me, and I wanted him to be there for every important moment in my life. I knew he was sick, but it don’t think it sank in until this past December when I would sit holding his hand as he slept in his bed. I tried doing the daily crossword with him. This time I would write and it took all his energy to mutter the few answers he could stay awake to answer. I couldn’t get used to that role reversal… one where I was kissing his forehead, holding his hand, and writing down his crossword answers… it didn’t stop me, but it was a feeling I can’t describe. Probably the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do was to say goodbye to my grandad. Lynsey was with me… and we both hugged him, told him we loved him, and after a few minutes had to leave the room. In the hallway I couldn’t let go of her otherwise I thought I was going to fall apart. I probably didn’t show it, but that’s definitely how I felt.
I can’t stop the tears dripping down my face tonight… I’m lucky to have had the past 22 and a half years. And I know wherever he is that he’s happier than he was when he was sick but I can’t believe he’s gone, I just can’t believe he’s gone. I can’t believe he and I can’t create any new memories with each other. I’ll ensure I remember all the ones we’ve made.
One Thing Accepted
Monday, January 3rd, 2005It always seems as soon as I count something or someone out a door to that thing or person opens. Case in point: This semester I’ve been granted to opportunity to be a teaching assistant (TA) for the robots class I took last year. Not only was the appointment a complete surprise when I found out about it last month, but coupled with the fact that after I was hired I discovered my full tuition was being paid for me… well, that was a total shock.
Looking at any of the benefits, I’m most excited about getting the opportunity to give my design ideas to students. I look forward to working and helping because it is all new to me, and I think with my innate work ethic I will excel. I’m in for a hectic semester with my new circuit design job, the TA position, and my three classes. Through each new part of my life, my goals are to have fun, learn, and secure gainful future employment.
Unconfusing Myself
Saturday, November 20th, 2004A few days ago I wanted to explore a thought I had about true versus romantic love. Right now I could just as easily copy and paste those words but the irony is I don’t have the authority to comment on any definition of love. I’ve gone from as a senior in high school with Kari telling me that I’m completely incapable of feeling anything for anyone to looking back at what a fool I must have been standing in the Christmas Day snow in my socks. Thinking from anyone else’s shoes, that last sentence doesn’t make any sense. That’s the beauty of it — it doesn’t need to. My definition is probably too naïve, or too idealistic to be real.
The more I grow, the more I become the same. The same patterns, thoughts, actions, friends — all alike. I’ve wondered how I end up where I do and I don’t have an answer. I suppose it’s because I let it happen. To some degree on purpose, and the rest subconsciously. It doesn’t matter because all it does is frustrate me and for no good reason. I always think, “this isn’t me.” But… it is. Every time I reach this point I make decisions and I never ultimately follow through with them because I eventually forget why it is that the decisions were made in the first place.
Knowing People
Sunday, October 31st, 2004I’ve made connections with a lot of people, but I’m not naive enough to believe I know everything about them. I don’t know half of everything of the people I think I know best. Then again I know my friends more so that most people know their friends because I think most are afraid of getting too close to another person. As a consequence, I’ve always had one or two close friends and not many acquantices. Before I sound too negative, though, I believe this is a good thing. If I knew everything about someone then it would most likely become boring. There would be no inquisitive conversations and no surprises. There’s nothing wrong with the comfortability that comes from knowing and understanding someone who is important in your life because I enjoy that as well. But it’s the thrill I get from learning all about someone new that I like more.
Anything Worthwhile Goes Through Conflict
Friday, October 22nd, 2004Much of what I think about when I’m driving has to do with my past. I’m not sure why that is, but if I had to take a stab at it I’d have to say it’s due to the fact that when I’m driving there isn’t much else to think about. I can’t do homework or check email so that leaves me to think.
Thinking about people and events that mean the most to me… they all came about from some sort of conflict. Not necessarily a fight but perhaps a long journey or experience that didn’t come easy. If you don’t have to try, then there’s no excitement and no reward at the end. There’s nohing to look back upon that makes you realize what you have accomplished or have is worth anything.
The people I admire most are those who have either been through something difficult with me or at least been through something similar. We can relate and we know what we mean to each other — there’s no question because nothing could be worse than what was already had. With no emotional investment or struggle there would be no triumph and no real sense of being alive.
I am Ready, or am I Blind?
Saturday, October 9th, 2004It’s naive to think there could ever be peace, and trying to achieve peace amongst all is not only futile but also unnatural. In the animal kingdom, it is conflict and violence that is the ultimate settlement of dispute. We are, after all, animals.
With that being said, what if the United States had mandatory military service requirements. ? I think if I HAD to go to war I would meet that challenge. Keep in mind I’m not saying that I would ever want to go to war, but if I had no choice I think I could take something positive from the experience. I don’t have the slightest idea of what it would be like, and I’m not trying to pretend to minimize the seriousness of what I would be stepping into… but I believe in the most extreme of circumstances, where life is fragile, that we as humans have the ability to shine. Not in the war hero sense, but through what could be learned by putting oneself to the limit. There’s something redeeming in the thought that if I had no other alternative, I could still survive. If I couldn’t then I would know. Because until that point there would have always been a safety net.
Appeasement or Sincerity
Thursday, October 7th, 2004Today I got to thinking about how many times a day I say “I’m sorry” versus the number of times I actually feel sorry for something that I’ve done or said. I would estimate that less than 50% of the time I really feel bad about my actions. After all, I am the one thinking and acting — good or bad, positive or negative. I’m not talking about pushing someone down stairs or stealing someone’s book bag, because those aren’t the kinds of situations in which I would not put myself. I mean normal everyday stuff that just seems to happen. For example, when you’re walking around and you’re headed directly towards someone. You both try to avoid each other and you both go in the same direction again.. a couple of times. As you finally stop walking and get around that person you both invariably apologize to each other. Does that make sense? Neither party is genuinely sorry and rightfully so… so then why mention the sorry? I’m sure there are people out there who truly feel sorry about every last thing, but I’m not worried about them… this is about me and those like me.
I may feel like an idiot for accidentally walking into someone because I’m not paying attention to what I’m doing, but a good majority of the time I don’t feel sorry… I feel stupid. If I knock someone over and hurt them then that’s a different story, but otherwise I’m merely masking my stupidity through an apology. What’s that about? Obviously I’m at fault, but does the fact that I would say sorry (especially when I don’t mean it) to someone really placate them? Is that what people want to hear, and if so is that enough?
Furthermore, such behavior can be applied to almost every facet of life — most importantly in relationships with other people. It seems to me most folks in them want to be appeased, and they don’t care about (or even need) genuine emotion. It’s the willingness to accept someone else’s meaningless apology that undermines other’s sincerity.
These Waters Aren’t What They Used to Be
Sunday, October 3rd, 2004I must preface this entry by saying I’m in no way looking for sympathy, nor am I wanting anyone reading this to try and change the way I feel. My purpose in writing the following is to record my current thoughts and emotions for myself, and lastly to get it off my chest.
Over the past 24 hours I’ve had an introspective look at how I am with other people. Specifically what I mean to others and, in turn, what they mean to me. In thinking this certain things have been realized, the most prominent of which is that I run, at best, second in any one of my friend’s lives. That’s what bothers me — I have no best friend, and no confidante. Since high school I’ve become close to a dozen or so people, and those people still actively in my life I can count on one hand. I’d rather be able to count that with a simple thought, not some in depth analysis of my college friendship history. I have a group of people who know different parts, but not one person who knows all of me. I miss that, and I want it back.
Is it a consequence of growing up or am I missing something? Is it now impossible to have the type of pure friendship that has no expectations or preconceived notions, and only a clean slate with nothing in the way of two people getting close? Someone who wouldn’t think twice about staying over or going to dinner with me on a Saturday night… like a date, only not a date. Nothing sexual, nothing romantic, just two people who put each other first… at least for a little while. I say it like this because I usually get closer to girls than guys for the simple reason that I have a better connection with females. I always seem to open up more and am more apt to understand their perspective. Guys I know, but girls have always been more of a challenge. It’s all a game, really.. but I feel like right now I don’t even get to play. It isn’t that I won’t get another shot at knowing someone new… I guess I’m just impatient with something I can’t be impatient with.